He was a day-gazer
Articulate, motivated, past
The rush of air on wintry mornings
Swift and competitive
Tasteless on the tongue
But fire on the soul
I swayed before jumping after him
And had enough fire to run
Straight-course, even though I was
Bow-legged but he
Couldn’t help ripping away
When the winds turned
But I could’ve helped fleeting
After my fantasies
And we’re here again,
Fire and iron after
So many arid, Arabian hours
Alone in loveless deserts
We blew bubbles at each other
Across teenage masses,
Popping from mouth to mouth
Turning toxic and unlike you
We were broken hearted,
Two turned, jealous and
Bitter face with hearts
As jaded as gilt
It was smooth and
Although we whispered
From time to time that
“We’ve moved on”
But it seems the way you
Sung to the radio
Raining iron, cast up
In the clouds –
Me below, I tasted you
Non-toxic, flavorless
But you set alight my soul
I recalled your countless kisses
I recalled your winding wind
So is this just not moving on?
Or is this me in love again?
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thank, zany. that helped a lot
He was a day-gazer
Articulate, motivated, past [I'm not sure if this is supposed to be connected to the next line or not...]
The rush of air on wintry mornings
Swift and competitive
Tasteless on the tongue
But firey on the soul
I swayed before jumping after him
And had enough fire to run
Straight-course, even though I was
Bow-legged but [I would try "and" here.] he
Couldn’t help ripping away
When the winds turned
But [this "but" seems out of place to me.]I could’ve helped fleeting
After my fantasies
And we’re here again,
Fire and iron after
So many arid, Arabian hours
Alone in loveless deserts
We blew bubbles at each other
Across teenage masses,
Popping from mouth to mouth
Turning toxic and unlike you[,]
We were broken hearted,
Two turned, jealous and
Bitter faced with hearts
As jaded as gilt
It was smooth and
Although we whispered
From time to time that
“We’ve moved on”
But [cut the but] it seems the way you
Sung to the radio
Raining iron, cast up
In the clouds –
Me below, I tasted you
Non-toxic, flavorless[,]
But you set alight my soul[.]
I recalled your countless kisses[;]
I recalled your winding wind
So is this just not moving on?
Or is this me in love again? This last line takes away from the rest of it to me. It feels pretty cliche to me, and in any case it knocks me over the head with the poem's message, which I don't like.
It had a different style, but it was a good style and I enjoyed it, as usual.
Brian
This has a, lets call it different sound to it. Different in that its not something I'm used too, but its neither a good or a bad thing. I had to read this a couple of times to figure out what you were talking about here. Again, neither a good or a bad thing. Some poets take pride in being confusing. Um, this kind of sits in a world of its own, so as far as freestyle poetry, there isn't anything technical I can say about it.
Its alright as a poem, but I couldn't tell you how to make it better.